Category Archives: Relationships

Doctor Strange and Charlie Brown

Is It Possible To Be Authentically Bipolar?

Being bipolar can be a very lonely experience, because we are so often required to hide our emotions and thoughts. I’ve personally become very good at what therapists like to call “presenting well”, that is, disguising the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. About two years ago, I wrote the article, “The Fine Art of Hiding Bipolar Disorder and Why It Kinda Sucks,” an article about my experiences in covering over my bipolar disorder. Since then, I’ve done a lot of thinking about authenticity, not so much as a kind of absolute moral good, but as an important part of human happiness. What are the costs of hiding bipolar disorder? Moreover, is there a way to determine when I should disguise my symptoms and when I should not, which would be better than just an all-or-nothing solution either way?

Authentic and False Personae

Authentic personae are the way we express ourselves to others, in a way that is appropriate to the relationship.

I’m not someone who believes there is some sort of abstract “real me” that we can discover independently of our relationships with others. Rather, we develop various persona, depending on our relationship, out of our character traits. With my kids, I put together a “dad”, out of what strengths I have available and emotions I am feeling, and in such a way that it suits their needs as children. So too with friends, coworkers, and so forth. Much like we need to translate our feelings into words, we need to translate our personality into personae. Authentic personae are the way we express ourselves to others, in a way that is appropriate to the relationship.

Kids in Costumes

Source: epSos .deCC BY 2.0

The problem, however, is when these personae become a completely distorted version of ourselves. On the one hand, they might not present who we are at all. We might present a face of giddiness that is actually covering a reality of misery. Here, my persona becomes not an expression of myself, but a distortion of myself. The result of these distortions is resentment; rather than expressing ourselves, we instead are putting on a show for other people, which is, ultimately, humiliating.

Alternatively, a persona might be not a cover, but simply a very impoverished version of what is there. In some relationships, my persona might be very limited, expressing only a few traits. Relationships with aquaintances, for example, might be like this, or with clients of various kinds (though I would argue not students, but that is a slightly longer pedagogical argument). There’s nothing wrong with this, really, since we can’t be all things to all people, but if I express myself in impoverished ways most of the time, the actual result will be loneliness. Parts of myself would rarely find expression, and I would feel unloved.

It Is Okay To Be Strange

However, if I feel like I’m being drugged and analyzed so that I can develop a more socially acceptable, inauthentic persona, I’m going to become resentful.

As someone with bipolar disorder, it is very difficult to construct authentic personae. We simply face a massive amount of stigma about mental illness, such that we risk being treated as inferior or shamed if we don’t act like we aren’t dealing with a very challenging mental illness. Basically, the only socially acceptable personae are those that someone who didn’t have a mental illness might have.

Doctor Strange and Charlie Brown

Source: JD HancockCC BY 2.0

The problem, though, is that putting together a persona as though we didn’t have bipolar disorder is going to end up being either a distortion or incomplete, much of the time. This, in turn, leads to resentment and loneliness. I worry about how much of the pressure on us “to get better” is less about our well-being or protecting others, and more about enforcing a kind of conformity on our behavior so that other people won’t be made “uncomfortable”. Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy to get better. However, if I feel like I’m being drugged and analyzed so that I can develop a more socially acceptable, inauthentic persona, I’m going to become resentful.

Here is where I think we need to say “enough”. It isn’t our responsibility to generate entirely inauthentic personae to suit centuries of discrimination. As someone who is bipolar, there are two things that will need to be a part of any authentic persona I might have:

  • Emotional Intensity: Bipolar people are nothing if not intense. It’s really just not possible to be authentically not sad when depressed, or excited about apparent trivia when hypomanic. We need some room for the default emotion not to be pleasant calm in every conversation.
  • Speed and Rhythm: Between psychomotor agitation and retardation, how fast I move, talk, and respond is highly variable. Of course, if someone can’t understand me, I’m talking too fast, but I shouldn’t be asked to slow down just because that’s “normal” speed. Conversely, being rushed when I’m depressed is absolutely exhausting.

These are two examples, and I’m partly brainstorming and partly experimenting other possibilities for what might be appropriate or necessary for my personae to remain authentic.

It Isn’t Okay to Cause Harm

What I’m ultimately looking for are broad parameters of authentic personae that allow me to express my personality without resentment or loneliness, not permission to be a jerk.

I do not intend to imply, however, that we can just charge through the world like a bull in a china shop, insisting that everyone else needs to “put up with us.” After all, other people have feelings, too, and we are ultimately social animals who are very sensitive to other people’s moods, feelings and behavior. If I did that, other people would go fleeing from the room, and rightly so. This, of course, wouldn’t help with any of the loneliness, to say the least. What I’m ultimately looking for are broad parameters of authentic personae that allow me to express my personality without resentment or loneliness, not permission to be a jerk.

Some behaviors really are harmful to others, and they have the right to not put up with it for their own protection. Angry verbal abuse, for example, is never acceptable. Irritability is often a part of bipolar disorder, and can lead to angry outbursts. Instead, I would need to find appropriate ways of expressing anger (that is, using appropriate assertiveness and directness).

Even the need to be emotionally intense should be balanced against the need to become the center of attention. In fact, I would love if this were to become the norm. It would be wonderful to be able to have a conversation, and not have it be assumed that, just because I’m sad, I need to be the focus of attention. Sad people can be useful, compassionate, and even interesting. We should stop assuming that just because someone is sad, their sadness is the most imperative issue. Similarly, even though my speed is very variable, I need to be aware that the speed of conversations is in part a compromise. It’s no more fair for me to insist that others keep up with me when I’m hypomanic than for them to do it to me when I’m depressed.

Nonetheless, there is still some room here for some slack and forgiveness. Obviously, when our insight is low, we’ll violate social norms that are there for perfectly good reasons, not simply prejudicial ones. However, the appropriate way to deal with this is not shame or even embarrassment, which is the ordinary way that social boundaries are enforced. Rather, calm and appropriately set boundaries can both protect others and allow us to save face when our episodes become more severe.

A New Authenticity?

As the stigma against mental illness slowly fades, some new opportunities arise for people with mental illness. Our need for tolerance is not simply in the political and economic sphere, but also in the social sphere if interpersonal relationships. To be perfectly honest, I’m still just beginning to try to be authentically bipolar. I’ve hidden my bipolar disorder for so long and have become so good at it, I’m only just beginning to express what I need. However, as acceptance of mental illness grows, so two will the space for an authentic diversity of character that will better allow those with mental illnesses develop to authentically express themselves.

School Playground

School: The Bipolar Way

In this blog, I would like to share my experience in schools over the last 44 years. It traces how bipolarity affected my progress in school and my social life.

I always hated school, from the very first day…and indeed, I do remember that day well. I was outside the kindergarten section of the neighbourhood public school. My name was called and I immediately started to panic. I didn’t want to join that line of strangers. And who was that lady at the front??? I clutched my mother’s hand but she withdrew it and then used it, with a wag, to point my way down that slippery school path. When I came home after my morning at school, my mother asked me how it went. I responded, “It’s fine. I’ve seen it but I don’t want to see it again.” I found it such a nightmare trying to interact with the others. One thing I remember very well was that nap time was pure fear and so I always refused to sleep.

School Playground

Copyright ©2013 Michael Ligtenberg

By grade two I was a chronic skipper. Every day at lunch time I would complain of having headaches to my mother on the phone. She would be at work and had little time so she would sometimes accept that I stay home. But sometimes she wouldn’t and would push me to go, threatening reprimand. Nevertheless I still wouldn’t go…but she didn’t know. I changed schools three times in the first seven years…always trying to integrate with the kids but in the end always feeling worthless and apart. In grade 4 my teacher said, “Michael, sometimes you can be such an idiot”. Yeah that was a real boost to my self-esteem at the age of 9. My grade 6 report card, and I still have it, said that I need to progress from drawing stickmen. Okay, so art I thought was not from me. Now I have explored writing, cabinet making and photography and all with some success.

Next was junior high. I will talk about it but not with a great deal of pleasure. I don’t know if anyone would like to remember going from age 13 to 16. Fumbling through puberty, talking way too much, always afraid to approach members of the opposite sex who I had quickly discovered were, well, exciting. It was then that I was baptised with a very endearing nickname. Often my last name is mispronounced. I pronounce it the Dutch way, Lig-ten-berg. The teachers and other kids would always say Light-enberg but I wouldn’t protest. At that time, my mother would say that I was “husky” (and no, I’m not a dog, actually I’m quite cute now I do believe). So I was dubbed with the nickname Fat-enberg. That dashed all my hopes of ever connecting with girls.

Now it was high school. New rules, new choices, new people, and a new chance I thought. I do have some very pleasant memories of high school. I got my driver’s license with car time from my trusting parents (little did they know). I had beer, pot, girlfriends, and a two-year long relationship and yes, I lost my virginity!!! However the heartbreak from the broken relationship was wrenching. I was still a chronic skipper so my grades sucked resulting in many failures. It’s ironic that I never passed French but now I can speak it fluently. In the final year I once again changed schools hoping to reshape my image. However trying to fit in at the end is never easy. The only clique I managed to fit in with was the “potheads”, but I can’t deny that it was blast. I felt more comfortable with these friends than ever before. I was still a chronic skipper and I didn’t even attend my graduation.

School Foyer

Copyright ©2013 Michael Ligtenberg

Then a year off in which I worked for six months and then travelled through Europe exploring my roots. Three months travel turned into six, and I had the most amazing experiences, even working in Copenhagen for three months with a premiere avant-garde anti-racist Danish photographer/activist named Jacob Holdt. (You can find him on Facebook.) He remembers me to this day. Evidently he felt that my personality had made an impact on him. Yes I was hyper-manic most of the trip.

Now it was time to brave the new world of university, for the first time. Within two months of beginning, my father died of a heart attack, on my university’s running track no less. Needless to say, the depression was long, the whole three years I attended in fact. I had no hopes; I had no goals; I felt no reason to be. My bachelor of arts was in literature and I completed all the requirements. However I still haven’t completed the six credits I need in any course to complete it. Again my grades sucked (“C+” average). There were lots of bars on campus open all day. You could often find me there. I never could be bothered to finish my degree. There was a silver lining though…I was able to avoid another graduation ceremony. Another two-year relationship collapsed shortly after my stint at university, and so again more heartbreak. So I ran off to Europe again and smoked my way through Holland for six months.

The next time I attended university was after a six-year hiatus. I was married and my first child had just been born. When she was one month old, I lost my job. I knew I needed something more solid than a measly incomplete B.A. in literature. So I returned, and after acing my first session in philosophy I qualified for the teaching programme. Yes you read that right. I wanted to become a teacher, but I had a clear reason to succeed and a definite goal why. And I flew through that four-year programme in two and half years finishing with Honours and a 3.72 GPA. We also had a second child 18 months after the first. If I remember correctly, I believe I was hyper-manic for a very long period of time. And no, I didn’t go to my graduation.

School Agora

Copyright ©2013 Michael Ligtenberg

I am a teacher now and have been for the last 20 years. Now I never skip. It was a rough ride at the beginning. We had our third and fourth child during my first five years and we bought a house which needed a lot of interior renovation. So for the next five years I was teaching, renovating, washing diapers, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and sleeping about 5 hours a night. A continuation of the hyper-manic state I’d say. Can you believe that my relationship fell apart when I finally crashed back to earth like an engineless plane?

I love school now. I don’t regret becoming a teacher despite its associated stress levels. I have been able to develop many qualities like leadership, compassion, and respect for everyone. I love being in the classroom and breathing in the discovery teenagers go through. And when the learning bud blossoms in an adolescent’s head, it’s a high in itself. Working here in a Native Community has helped me to develop those qualities even further. The last three years, however, have been difficult resulting in three sick leaves. This came after my mother’s death in 2011. After a suicide attempt my symptoms then became so pronounced that my bipolarity was finally diagnosed. Over the next 18 months my health team, including my new spouse, and I have found a good pharmaceutical cocktail for me. I am now trying to find a way to protect my mental health and continue teaching. And I am determined to do just that. I really want to appreciate and enjoy my last years in school.

Shhh

“Crazy” Talk: Why Having a Mental Illness Shouldn’t Be an Insult

In general, I don’t like to correct other people’s language. After all, there can be a real temptation for those of us with the “correct language” to jump on the people with the “incorrect” language.

However, sometimes things get so bad, it’s important to say something. I hear the language of mental illness abused literally every single day. It’s not so much that people use the wrong words. I don’t really care so much about that. If people want to say I have a mental “illness” or “condition” or I’m “differentially minded” whatever, fine. It’s not like I don’t have opinions about this, which I’ve posted here. It’s just that patience is more important that correctness in those cases.

It’s Not Just About Using Naughty Words

The message is, “you’re a bad person, because you’re like a mentally ill person.”

Fake Crazy Face

Source: StarMamaCC BY 2.0.

Of course, there are a lot of words that are simply dehumanizing and insulting in their own right to those who have mental illnesses. “Crazy”, “lunatic”, “bonkers”, “nuts”, and so forth are words whose function is to dehumanize us and insult us directly. Slate, I think, wins the award on abuse of these words recently, when they called Newt Gingrich “completely bonkers-bananas-barking-bat*** loony tunes”. I’m no a fan of Newt Gingrich, but mind your tongue, Slate.

However, there is a larger problem, which is the use of terms for mental illness as abuse. By this, I don’t mean just directly abusing people with mental illnesses. What I’m talking about is when words like “mentally ill” or “crazy” are used to insult anyone at all. In these cases, it doesn’t matter so much whether or not the person is called “crazy” or “off his medication.” What matters is that being associated with us is considered an insult. The message is, “you’re a bad person, because you’re like a mentally ill person.” That’s not just insulting to their target; it’s insulting to every person with mental illnesses in the world.

Some people genuinely just don’t get it. I’ve been a mental-health blogger for two years now, and I could cite dozens of examples. I’ve seen mayors of cities accuse people of being “off their meds”, and people call cuts to mental health funding “crazy”, without a hint of irony. The problem, as I see it, is that these terms and associations have become so ingrained in everyday speech, that it’s just become a part of how we conceive of the word: mental illness is scary, weird, and dangerous.

People Should Be Proud To Be Associated With Us

It’s not just that we shouldn’t be ashamed of having a mental illness; it’s that we can be proud of how we deal with it.

One of my favourite quotations from the last year was by Joseph Franklin Stephens, a special Olympian with Down’s syndrome. Ann Coulter got it into her head to call President Obama a “retard”, and a lot of people got angry because she used a naughty word. Stephens, though, recognized the deeper problem: it wasn’t so much the word; it was that she was using it as an insult. It would have been almost as insulting for her to have called the president “mentally disabled”.

In response, Stephens said the following:

“Well, Ms. Coulter, you, and society, need to learn that being compared to people like me should be considered a badge of honor.”

Bipolar MemeBam! Now, I don’t have Down’s syndrome, but the point is the same. Stephens was, as far as I could tell, the only person who understood the deeper problem with what Coulter said: so long as people believe that it is shameful for people to have a mental disability, it will be an insult to “accuse” someone of having a mental disability. So, too, for us. So long as it is shameful for people to have a mental illness, it will be an insult to “accuse” someone of having a mental illness.

But, notice the more subtle point. Stephens is proud of the community of people with mental disabilities. It’s not so much that he’s proud of having a mental disability, but of what his community, especially the overlapping community of disabled athletes, has accomplished.

Our community has a lot to be proud of. Are things harder for us? Absolutely. However, that just gives us more to be proud of. Last week, I put up a meme on the Facebook page that simply said, “Was Depressed Today. Took a shower.” So far, it has 195 likes because, if you’ve ever been depressed, you just get it. Of course, not everything is that difficult. In my experience, things oscillate between being of normal difficulty and being absurdly hard. However, mental illness provides us with unique challenges, and we can be proud of how we deal with them, a topic that I’ve written about before. It’s not just that we shouldn’t be ashamed of having a mental illness; it’s that we can be proud of how we deal with it.

So, What Should We Do?

So long as people think that it is shameful to be mentally ill, it will be used as an insult.

Given how thoroughly ubiquitous all this “mental illness as insult” issue is, what should we do about it? There are a few different options. Generally, these strategies can be divided into three categories:

Option One, Reclaim the Words: One option, which is used by the “Mad Pride” movement of which I wrote critically last year, is to reclaim the words. Since words like “mad” and “crazy” are used to insult us, if we call ourselves those words, they lose their power. I know this could work in theory, but our problem isn’t so much the mean words, but phrases like “looks like you forgot your medication?” or “you need help” don’t have any bad words in them. Our primary problem is that people think it’s an insult just to be associated with us.

Shhh

Source: Sarah GCC BY 2.0

Option Two, Correct People: Now, I’ve done this. I did it with that online magazine last week. I think correcting people can be done with a specific group of people: people who know better who slipped, or at least people who should know better, but just aren’t careful about their language. In these cases, I’ll privately ask the person not to do it, and the person usually apologizes (sometimes so profusely that I actually end up kind of consoling them). However, jumping on people for using language in bad ways doesn’t help; people generally don’t change their minds, they just start whispering behind our backs.

Option Three, Get at the Prejudice Itself: Ultimately, this is the only solution that will really work. So long as people think that it is shameful to be mentally ill, it will be used as an insult. If this doesn’t get fixed, there will just be a cycle to the next set of “crazy” insults. Maybe the words will hang around with forgotten etymologies, like “gypped” or “paddy wagon,” but they’ll lose their teeth.

So, aside from reminding good-willed people about their language, the solution to mental illness being used as an insult is for people not to think of it as an insult. This means getting at the underlying prejudice. How do we do that? By getting out there, fighting battles against discrimination and for accommodation, and helping other people understand mental illness, and generally letting people know how awesome we are. One we win that battle, and we’re almost there (just a century or so), people will be proud to be associated with us. Insulting us would just be crazy.

Homeless Woman Being Arrested

Virtue Ethics, Mental Illness and Discrimination

There is a type of ethics called “virtue ethics” that has become increasingly popular lately. It’s become especially popular among those who study ancient philosophy and in religious circles, especially in Catholicism. The basic idea is that actions should be judged, not according to rules, but according to the virtues or vices of those who perform them. Ultimately, for instance, what is wrong with something like mocking someone isn’t that it hurts them, but that it is cruel. This might sounds like it’s not a bad approach, but it ultimately creates a type of ethics that excludes and discriminates against people with mental illnesses, especially bipolar people.

Virtues and Vices

The Four Cardinal Virtues

The Four Cardinal Virtues, Strasbourg Cathedral. Public Domain.

Virtues and vices are what are called “stable dispositions of character.” To unpack that, it means that there are certain things people tend to enjoy or dislike, and they tend to do this consistently. So, some people enjoy pain in others; they are cruel. Others enjoy happiness in others; they are compassionate, and so forth.

In virtue ethics, when evaluating a person, we look at their virtues and vices, and see whether they are good people or not. Individual actions are evaluated based on the virtues or vices of the person doing them, while types of actions are evaluated based on the virtues or vices of the kind of person who would normally do them. On the strongest version of the theory, the only thing that makes an action right or wrong is that it is what a virtuous or vicious person would do.

Why Virtue Ethics Is Attractive (and To Whom)

Instead of simply evaluating actions, we can talk about the kind of people we want to be, and what kind of people we should be.

Thomas Aquinas

Thomas Aquinas, Cathedral of Saint-Rombouts. Public Domain.

There are reasons why this theory sounds attractive. For one thing, it is more holistic. Instead of simply evaluating actions, we can talk about the kind of people we want to be, and what kind of people we should be. It has the further consequence that morality and happiness get tied together; part of what makes us a good person is that we become the kind of person we want to be. Virtue is a kind of “flourishing”, or, more precisely, it is what enables us to flourish.

Paradoxically, it means that we can actually evaluate more actions. Rule-based theories usually end up saying that whatever we do is fine, so long as we don’t hurt anyone else. Virtue theory gives us reason to say that we should get off of the couch, not eat that last donut, or form a lasting friendship. Only some of our actions are going to be relevant to moral rules or impersonal utilitarian calculations. On the other hand, all of our actions are relevant to our characters.

So, ultimately, virtue ethics is attractive to two groups of people. The first are those who want to make ethics more holistic, and the second are those who want to expand the range of moral action. For this reason, we find virtue ethics most appealing to those who like ancient philosophy and to those who want to expand the sphere of ethics, especially Catholics.

Why Bipolar People Don’t Fit Into Virtue Ethics

Except in the most extreme cases, I am not dissociative during my episodes. I see no reason, then, to dissociate two thirds of my life in order to satisfy a theory.

Four-Faces Buddha

Source: MabahamoCC BY 2.0

The most obvious problem for those with mental illnesses, especially bipolar disorder, is that it our dispositions are…less than stable. I’ve written on this subject before, in which I’ve argued that I don’t need a “real me”. The basic point of this was that the entire idea of looking for a “real me” was unhelpful.

As a bipolar person, if I start looking for a stable character, I end up identifying my “real me” with my euthymic (i.e. non-episodic) self. Like most bipolar people, I exist in (at least) three states: manic/hypomanic, depressed and euthymic. Which one would be the “real me”? The obvious candidate is the euthymic state, but it’s really not that simple. Or rather, it’s simply not true. Two-thirds of my life are not an illusion, and two thirds of my emotions are not the emotions of someone else. That’s just me two-thirds of the time. Extreme, cycling moods, overstimulation, and the inability to enjoy pleasurable activities are defining symptoms of bipolar disorder. Except in the most extreme cases, I am not dissociative during my episodes. I see no reason, then, to dissociate two thirds of my life in order to satisfy a theory. So much for virtue ethics’ holism.

But if I don’t accept that my euthymic self is my real self, then I don’t really have stable dispositions. Or rather, if I do, they are certainly not emotional ones, nor ones connected to pleasure and pain. That, as far as I can tell, would rule out almost all the virtues. Virtues are stable dispositions, and my dispositions are decidedly unstable.

In other words, I simply don’t fit into virtue ethics. I become, at best, a pre-moral being, one with neither virtues nor vices, and therefore nothing to evaluate. At worst, I vicious, because I have a “disposition” to be erratic and unreliable. My actions aren’t virtuous, since they do not proceed from stable dispositions of character. Even if I act like a virtuous person, I can’t really act as a virtuous person.

Why Virtue Ethics Implies That the Mentally Ill Are Bad People

Simply put, we can’t both say that what makes people happy is what makes them good, and say that what makes people unhappy doesn’t make them bad.

Homeless Woman Being Arrested

Source: humblogCC BY 2.0

But wait, there’s more (as the infomercials say)! Virtue ethics ties together happiness and virtue. Virtue isn’t just a random collection of character traits; it is precisely those dispositions that allow a human being to flourish, i.e., to be happy. Virtues are both what allow a person to be happy, and what makes someone a good human being. This, of course, it its appeal to those who want a more holistic theory of ethics.

However, the problem here should be obvious. It would seem that mental illnesses make it more difficult to flourish. That’s a large part of makes them mental illnesses. They are hindrances to functioning, and, plus, they just cause suffering in their own right. Mental illnesses are a disposition to unhappiness. They make happiness, in the sense of flourishing, difficult or at least limited.

Simply put, we can’t both say that what makes people happy is what makes them good, and say that what makes people unhappy doesn’t make them bad. The moment we combine morality with happiness is the moment when we combine immorality with unhappiness. That makes people with mental illnesses, which directly contribute to and to some extent constitute unhappiness, worse people.

Morality Isn’t About Happiness

It is hard enough living with a mental illness without virtue ethicists running around saying that we are morally worse for it.

Mental illnesses make it harder to be happy, and therefore are a disposition to unhappiness. And, since they make it harder to be unhappy, less of us will be happy, and many of us will be less happy. That’s why mental illnesses are bad things to have. They harm us.

However, there is no shame in this. We need to abandon the idea that we are moral failures or failures as human beings because we do not live up to the standards of flourishing of mentally healthy people. It is hard enough living with a mental illness without virtue ethicists running around saying that we are morally worse for it.

Virtue ethics is inherently discriminatory against the mentally ill. It implies that mentally ill people are worse people, in so far as they are mentally ill, because we are less disposed to be happy. Virtue ethics cannot simply be “tweaked”, because its basic premises constitute discrimination.

Ethical holism and extending morality beyond harming others are both worthwhile goals. I am both a classicist and a Catholic. However, virtue ethics is the wrong way to reach these goals.